Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You ruined the universe
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
