You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
