I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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