Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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