I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
