You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
