FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
