my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
only you would photoshop your dick
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
