he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize