Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Maybe he injected his testicle?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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