Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
