i need an iv and a liver transplant
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
