I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
