why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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