so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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