I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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