found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
There are leaves in my underwear?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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