morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
