I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
