my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
