There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
