I think scott just propositioned me for sex
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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