How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
