remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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