Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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