I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
