I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
