Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
