im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
