yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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