Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish you could order shots online.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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