Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I fill condoms, not promises.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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