Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
