My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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