We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
