Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
