I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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