my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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