I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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