apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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