I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
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