Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
