Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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