Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
