He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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