listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
