Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
