it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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