Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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