u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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