shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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