forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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