My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
