Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
