i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
