apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
