woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
